Love Yourself.
You’ve probably heard this phrase being thrown around. You’ve heard it in songs, seen it on t-shirts, read it in click-baity self-help blog posts (like this one).
It might sound like a cheap, meaningless slogan, but it’s not.
Learning to love yourself is the most important thing you can do as a human being. We all crave love, and when you can give that to yourself, you no longer need anything from anyone. You no longer have to stumble through life like a starving zombie, make self-sabotaging decisions or compromise yourself for the validation of anyone ever again.
It’s the best thing you can have in this life, but it’s not an easy thing to understand, especially when you don’t love yourself.
This is something I have only recently realised was missing from my life. It’s been a real internal struggle but I feel like I am finally starting to scratch the surface of what’s possible with self-love.
Here’s a presentable version of the conversation I’ve been having with myself over the past few months.
I sincerely hope you find it useful.
Q – Questioner
A – Answerer
Q: How do I love myself?
A: Do you love others?
Q: No, sorry, I said “How do I love myself?”
A: Yes, and I asked, do you love others?
Q: I mean sure. I love my parents, I love my friends….
A: Ok, lets look at an example. You pass a man walking down the street. Do you love him? Do you wish him well?
Q: Not really, no. I probably just ignore him.
A: Why not?
Q: …. well, why should I? what has he done for me?
A: There’s the issue. You’re looking for a cause, a reason, a justification for love. True love cannot come with a circumstancial justification. Then it is not true boundless love. You will never love yourself unless you learn to love that man on the street
Q: Wait, why? What does he have to do with me?
A: Love is love. It’s an energy, a vibration that can pour from your heart. You can feel love for that man on the street. It’s the same love a mother has for her child. The same love you have for your best friend. The same love you can give to yourself. So the way-
Q: Hold on, hold on. You’re chatting shit. It’s not the same love! A mother’s love is not the same as a friends love, and that’s not the same as loving a stranger.
A: I see where you’re coming from. These are all different relationships, with different boundaries, different expectations, different resposnibilities. But do not confuse love with actions and words. I’m not telling you to take care of the man on the street like a mother would a child, or to invite him to hang out with your friends. Love is an inner intention. An intention of good-will and acceptance. This can be present in any kind of relatonship.
Q: Ok, I see. So you’re talking about a kind of shapeless, general love for others?
A: Yes! And if you want to learn to love, you have to re-train your heart to love without expectation. It’s like a mexican stand-off. You have to shoot first.
Q: …why?
A: The way you treat others –
Q: Is the way I treat myself. Yes, yes, I’ve heard this before…
A: Exactly. So if you’re waiting for a reason to love the man on the street…..
Q: … then I’m waiting for a reason to love myself?
A: Yes! You get stuck in a viscious, sticky cycle. So I ask you now… why don’t you love yourself?
Q: I don’t love myself because…well… because I don’t love myself!
A: Now we’re getting somewhere! If you only love people who love you first, you can never start to love yourself! You’ve made it so that you have to prove to yourself that you’re worthy of your own love, just like that man in the street has to prove himself to you before you can love him.
Q: Shit, I think I’m starting to get it.
A: Now ask yourself, what does it take to be worthy of your own love? The answer is different for every person, but we all have chips on our shoulder from childhood. We have all learnt to associate the love and respect from others with certain kinds of behaviours. Maybe your parents only showed you love when you did well at school, maybe your friends only showed you love when you were accomodating or funny, maybe girls only howed you love when you were confident and rebellious, maybe boys only showed you love when you looked your best…. whatever it is…. we all have past experiences that make us feel like we have to work for the love of others. In psychotherapy, this is called Conditions of Worth.
Q: huh… but that’s just life though. You’re saying everyone’s got it wrong?
A: I’m saying that’s how it is for most people. It’s a huge source of pain in people’s adult lives, and it’s also a huge driver of people’s decisions and ambitions – that feeling that you need to prove something.
Q: But surely that’s not a bad thing? I mean ambition and drive are necessary for success – who doesn’t want to be successful?
A: These wounds from our past can fuel our inner fire and drive, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, as long as you know what you’re getting yoruself into. Fire is useful, but it’s also dangerous. If your only motivation to do what you do in life is to prove to others that you are worthy, then you are on painful road to a dissapointing destination my friend.
Q: What do you mean?
A: Believe me, nothing you achieve, and no amount of fame, admiration, money can fill that hole in your heart. That hole is a craving for love, and not for someone else’s love. It’s for your own love. The only reason we attach ourselves so much to the love, validation and acceptance of others is because we don’t know any other way to get the love in our own hearts flowing.
Q: Sorry, but I’m not sure I believe you. Success, admiration and money sound pretty good to me.
A: Fair enough. By all means, you do you. As long as you are truly happy with your life, I’m happy for you. Genuinely. But tell me, if you don’t think something is missing, why are you still talking to me?
Q: …
A: People struggle to love themselves and others because they think love is something that is attached to specific things or people. They feel they need to wait for an external reason for their love to be justified. This is just simply not true. It’s possible for us all to love for love’s sake. To just let it pour out of your heart to anything and everything.
Q: What, like Jesus?
A: hahaha yes, like Jesus. Next time you’re walking on the street and you cross someone, just silently wish them well. See how it makes you feel. It costs you nothing and, after all, wouldn’t you rather have everyone be happy than unhappy?
I love this.
It reminded me of a long-ago observation that people who are amazing amazing at something – often don’t appreciate it, meaning they barely realize themselves that they’re amazing.
The stunning ballet dancer says “Oh, that’s easy.”
The revelatory poet says “It’s nothing. I just write what I think.”
The insightful engineer says “It just makes sense to do it that way.”
The person who makes everyone around them feel wonderful about themselves says “I just wanted to tell them they did great today.”
For many of us, the thing you’re amazing at – you barely appreciate because it comes naturally. Like breathing in and breathing out. To you.
Try loving yourself, and you may love who you find.
Thanks for your comment Justin, really well put!