Do you consider yourself an honest person?
Taken from https://www.rootinc.com/
I guarantee you lie more than you think. Being honest takes constant work, and you inevitably slip up.
‘Be honest’ is such a cliché, no-brainer piece of advice that it’s easy to lose sense of what it really means, and the profound benefits that come from doing it properly… there’s a reason we call it a ‘value’.
We are told from a young age that we should tell the truth. I think we can all agree that it seems like a good thing to aspire to, but why exactly is it a good idea?
I’m not a believer in living life based on some idea of what you ‘should’ do. If you really understand the ‘why’, you don’t need to force yourself to be a more honest person — the power of this virtue becomes self-evident.
Here’s why you want to be honest with yourself and with others:
It opens you up to beautiful and meaningful relationships, romantic or otherwise. You can’t build trust with someone who lies. When you hold back from showing yourself as you are, you can’t be fully vulnerable and present with people. You shroud yourself with a mask of deception, and it stops you from being able to really connect with others.
It makes you a stronger, braver person. People lie because they are afraid of their truth being exposed. The more you feed your compulsions to lie, omit truth or deny realities that are staring at you in the face, the more you feed this fear, and the more fragile you become. The truth is real, and there is no running away from it. Realising this and resolving to not run anymore is one of the most self-empowering things you can do.
Lying is exhausting. Keeping track of all the bullshit you’ve told people is really mentally intensive. Constantly fortifying and rationalising lies you’re telling yourself also takes up loads of energy. At the end of the day, your lies will unravel, and they will leave you feeling more hurt than was ever necessary in the first place. If you want to do anything worthwhile and impactful in this life, I doubt you have the time or energy to waste on that. When you stick to the truth, life is simpler. All you have to do is just tell it like it is and accept the consequences.
Poster by the British Transport Police
So why then, do people lie to themselves and others constantly — even when they try not to?
We instinctively run from the truth because it hurts. There’s a barrier of fear and pain to opening up and being honest, especially about real shit that’s uncomfortable. There’s no way around it. You have to pay that cost. This is enough to deter most into spirals of lies, denial, escapism and addiction.
But on the other side of that barrier is one of the best feelings ever. The relief, peace and strength that washes over you when you abandon your deceptive efforts is well worth it. Don’t take my word for it. All it takes is a few attempts to see for yourself. Once you recognise the power that comes from accepting and living in line with truth, a whole new world opens up to you.
Being honest and authentic will mean getting judged and rejected more by others — but this is not a bad thing! Rejection keeps you away from people who are not good for you. There’s no point winning someone’s approval, love or validation if you have to compromise yourself to do that. It’s eventually going to fall apart and you’ll have wasted your time suffering trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
Embracing rejection and overcoming your fear of it liberates you. You give yourself the space and respect to be freely and authentically yourself. You cannot be free as long as you are shackled by the false image you want others to see.
If you want to aim for something, aim for the truth. It’s a good north star. Real truth doesn’t need constant validation and justification. If you live your truth, neither do you.
So, how do you become more honest?
Well, aside from just trying to tell the truth more often, two things I have personally found really helpful are meditating regularly and reading the work of contemporary author Mark Manson.
The first brings more clarity to your experience of your own thoughts and feelings, helping you catch yourself in the act of compulsive lying and the second… well… Mark is really good at pushing you to be honest with yourself. His work really transformed my life. Highly recommend checking it out: https://markmanson.net/